I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
