sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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