I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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