2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
