what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
