Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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