This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Found the puke drawer
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
