First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
