probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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