somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
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