when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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