I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
