I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
