Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
