i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
