Someone shit on the floor
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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