but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So vagazzling was a success
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