i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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