apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
