I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Who died my cat blue again?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
