She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
