why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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