I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She bit a glass in half.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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