Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
