I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
