do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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