Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
