he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
