Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
