I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
