I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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