Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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