don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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