ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
