He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
