as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
