We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
