She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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