Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
