I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my sisters under your porch take her home
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I currently don't understand fingers.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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