Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize