ugly people sure do ruin things
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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