Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
