are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
