Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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