I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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