Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
