His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Dear god my vagina.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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