just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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