i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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