Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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