She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
