New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm passing your future prison.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
