i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
