I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Randomize
