The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
