ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
