We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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