I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
