It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
