afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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