i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
