Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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